When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
