your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
