i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
