I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
