My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
