you guys were way drunker than both of me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
