my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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