Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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