I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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