he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish i was in the wii world.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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