I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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