Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
