I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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