Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
