now i know why i became what i already was.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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