Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
