peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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