I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
