Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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