As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
