Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize