yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
