I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Semen is not good for contacts.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
