Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
