i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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