I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize