We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
