don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
