Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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