My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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