Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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