my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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