There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize