trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
