he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just high enough for therapy.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
