Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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