I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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