I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
