Swine flu. Run for my life!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
