May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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