Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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