i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
