Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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