You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
