Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
