There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
