so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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