they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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