True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
