These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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