This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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