I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
