I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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