i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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