Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
