I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
