Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
