Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
