I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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